Ways to help your child regulate big emotions.
Awareness – be aware of the child’s environment.
Be prepared to acknowledge the stress and negative emotions in the household (both between siblings and parents) and/or at school (both in the playground and classroom). These can be triggers for a change, in the child’s mood or behaviours, if they are feeling the environment is not stable or predictable. Children crave security and normality. When routines, expectations, guidelines or rules change for no valid or feasible reason children will react. Children look to parents and teachers for stability and normality. When they sense a change in the stress levels of the adult or environment they will respond negatively, even if they are unaware they are doing it. These changes are inevitable but being aware, mindful and able to adapt your response you can make a massive impact on how the child copes with it and the length of time they take to calm down.
React/respond – be attentive to their signals.
If the child’s behaviour is beginning to change be prepared to identify the reasons the change is occurring and either manipulate the surroundings or provide support. When change or stress occurs children will display signs including attention seeking, tormenting, worrying, acting out, disrespect, back chat, crying, difficulty or lack of communication, to name a few. Responding to these changes and making time to be aware can provide the opportunity to intervene or facilitate before the behaviours escalate. Allow them to feel the emotions.
Facilitate or guide – allow opportunities to educate the child on how to be aware.
Be ready to guide or facilitate the child. Provide opportunities to highlight the change in their mood and how it is impacting their behaviour towards others. Give them support for time out or reassurance. Allow the child to talk about their feelings and emotions and reassure them that their feelings are real and normal. Give them strategies, not advice. Children will experience these big emotions on a regular basis as a part of growing up. If we try and fix the issues, they will continue to need our guidance and help. However, if we provide them with useable strategies, that they can practice daily, they will begin to become empowered, they will experience a change in the way they feel and behave or react in a calmer, more controlled way. This takes lots if practice for both the parent and child.
Nurture – be patient and demonstrate understanding.
Empathise with how they are feeling. It is important to be aware that facilitating and guiding does not mean resolving. Sometimes it is just as important to empathise with how they are feeling and understand. At times, problems cannot be resolved or do not go away easily, and we need to ensure they feel safe, comfortable and reassured even if we don’t agree with or understand why they are feeling that way. Time is one of the most valuable approaches you can provide for a child struggling with the ability to calm down or regulate how they are feeling. Sometimes all a child required is your compassion, understanding and patience. It can be a scary and confusing time for a child when they enter that zone of uncontrollability.
Teach and educate – provide opportunities to practice strategies.
Our job as parents and teachers is to not only guide and facilitate children but to empower them with strategies to put into place when they have begun to identify, understand and express big emotions. The most effective way to do this is when the child is in a calm state. It is pointless trying to reason with a child who is experiencing an emotional breakdown or frustration with a situation they cannot control. When they are calm they will be more receptive to understanding the purpose and reasons behind the effectiveness of each strategy. (See Teachable Strategies for calming the inner torment). Let the child feel the big emotions. That is NORMAL!!!! It is the way we respond to how they express those emotions that is the key to aiding them in their practice of managing their reactions. How do we expect our children to regulate emotions if we cannot model the strategies ourselves?