Perspective and how we can see things differently.

Stop comparing yourself with others. Our experiences are not the same as others. Be okay with your perspective.

Outlook, position, frame of mind, viewpoint, angle, and vantage point are a few words that we identify with perspective.

I have had many conversations over the past week with mums, teachers, carers and friends about the perspective on how they parent. We always think others are doing it so much better than us. I think it is an important time to change our frame of mind.
We need to STOP comparing. We don't walk in another one's shoes so we cannot expect our household to run the same as another. Our children are different, our work lives differ, and the needs of our children and the levels of stress are all variables that change our experiences. People often ask me...how do you manage? How do you cope with raising four children, working and running a business? I don't know the answer to that (apart from that I am a little crazy) but what I do know is you deal with what you have, who you are and sometimes it's the cards life deals you. As mums how can we stop comparing the way we parent and begin to make changes that help where we are at, not where we think we need to be. I try to keep these things in mind..

1. Be kind to yourself - don't be too hard on yourself when stress levels get too high, and you make poor choices. Own them, sit with them and acknowledge them with your kids. They don't need the mother with all the answers, they need you. Showing up for them and yourself is all they'll ever need.
2. Recognise where you are at - Circumstances play a huge impact on how we deal with day-to-day life. Sick parents, lack of finances, no support systems in place, single parenting, losing your job etc. You cannot expect to have it all together and be the best at caring for your children when you just found out your Dad has cancer. Being real, honest and owning your feelings is an invaluable lesson to model to our kids than worrying about the fact that you had take out, missed soccer practice or didn't have patience for your child's meltdown over the wrong-coloured socks.
3. Take the small wins - parenting is not an easy gig. Especially in the first few weeks back to school. New friends, new schools, new classrooms, new teachers... So many new experiences that the emotional rollercoaster is running at full speed. You will have days that seem like you're smashing goals and then the next day you can't seem to catch a break. Recognise when something goes well and be proud of the little wins. This is not a race or competition. Nobody wins parent of the year and we all struggle with managing our overwhelm (regardless of our experiences).
4. Recognise your stressors - I run so many group sessions with kids and one of the biggest topics of discussion is what makes us stressed and how it is triggered. If we can understand when we are triggered we can begin to manage our stress or be kind to ourselves when we cannot seem to get on top of things. Modeling this for our children is another healthy lesson in teaching them that life throws curveballs and dealing with those challenges is a learning process, regardless of being 4 or 44. If you know running late is a trigger, acknowledge this in your head, talk it through with your kids and ask for their support. When the wheels fall off that you're late, acknowledge that this is a hard space for you.

We all think others have it more together than we do. They don't. They all have different experiences and perspectives. Remember yours, stay in your lane and don't let the end goal destroy your journey.

Looking through the eyes of our children can sometimes be the shift we need most.

Carefree, resilient, loyal, forgiving, fun, excitable, inspired, and enthusiastic are just some of the attributes that bring us joy when watching our children navigate life.

Getting caught up in our busy schedules, deadlines, and commitments we forget to slow down and take a different perspective.

I have spent the last 8 years changing the drive behind my expectations. A lifetime of jumping to learned behavioural responses to challenging situations was not healthy for me or my children. It wasn't until I began to look through the eyes of my children that I began to realise what was worth challenging and when it was worth supporting them through the challenge. I read an article many years ago that highlighted the behavioural differences when we go for a walk with our children. I began to realise that as adults we walk to get somewhere and children walk to experience something. They stop to look at the colours in the flowers, pick up sticks and trinkets, feel the breeze as they skip along the path and walk at a pace that sometimes feels slower than a snail. We are so busy ticking the job off the list that we rush past experiencing the fullness of life like they do. It is a mindful shift that can be so valuable if we walk with the perspective of our child.

In another sense, the value of looking through the lens of our children we can begin to stop challenging our need to control and manage behaviours and start to support and process their emotions and feelings. Behaviour is only an indicator of what is happening underneath. If we catch ourselves jumping into reprimanding, stopping or punishing our children but alternatively look at why and how they are feeling or behaving that way, we can then begin to support their emotions and let go of our stress and triggers when our children behave in ways we perceive as inappropriate or unacceptable. I remember the wonder, excitement and enthusiasm I had for life when I was little. I wonder when this began to shift. The more I choose to see the world through the eyes of my children the happier they are and the easier it is to parent them. I feel better about how I deal with intense situations and I don't punish myself for not being able to regulate my own feelings when I am stressed or overwhelmed.

‘Hope is a function of struggle- we develop hope not during the easy and comfortable but through adversity and discomfort’ - Brene Brown

Perspective sometimes becomes tough when we feel a sense of hopelessness. If we do not perceive a change in the near future we can begin to doubt ourselves, our choices and the concept that things will and do get better.

For me, the start of a school year is emotionally draining. Having four very different personalities with all different emotional needs when dealing with and working through this time can be draining. Sometimes my exhaustion levels outweigh any positive outlook or perspective I had. Hopelessness (as described by Brene Brown) comes from a place of negative thought patterns, negative life events, or the perception that we are unable to control or change our circumstances. This is why it is so important to set realistic goals that don't

eventuate into an overwhelming burden. Easier said than done, right? Hope can be taught like any other skill. By providing our children with clear boundaries, support and consistency we are provided the right framework to learn to be hopeful. Having experience with struggle and adversity means that we are able to learn how to believe in ourselves and our abilities. Our job as parents is to prepare the child for the path, not the path for the child. Hope can help children have a healthier mindset for the day ahead. But we need to practice hopefulness and remind our children that:

1. We cannot influence factors that are out of our control. If we cannot change something we cannot allow this to disappoint us or dampen our hope.

2. Think about a timeline around the struggle. Move our child away from the emotive impact of the struggle and towards using the thinking part of the brain. Everything comes to an end.

3. Does this affect every part of my life? Am I making this bigger than it needs to be? Do I get a break from it and how can I shift my thinking on what this actually affects as opposed to making it worse than it needs to be?